Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I wanna be friends with this person
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.