Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.