Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
You Might Also Like
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Legend 🤣🤣
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game