Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
This is a sub tweet
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal