Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You Might Also Like
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”