According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD