Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
thank god the sign was there
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.