Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos