My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Every photo I’m tagged in
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?