If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You Might Also Like
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Can’t. Being lazy.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
men, we mow at sunrise.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists