*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
You Might Also Like
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.