Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Oh hi lol
I’ve had worse
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Breaking news:
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this