Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*