I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My typo game is string.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour