My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.