When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.