My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I am patiently waiting for your email
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???