*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You Might Also Like
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter