Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…