if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.