8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.