Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I am also baked goods
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open