I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it