HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You Might Also Like
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
that wasn’t the question
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.