*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me hooking up with my ex
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
be careful
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl