I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.