You can’t rush stupid.
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[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!