Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.