Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN