“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun