If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
You Might Also Like
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck