ππππΉ
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] πΆam I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: πΆam I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: πΆam I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the dΓ©cor.
I donβt like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, βI canβt do it if youβre watching.β #MyFamilyIsWeird
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Donβt touch my radio.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public π«
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know youβre going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, βLast night I played with the little boy who died in our house.β So far Iβve made 2 families move
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: iβm over in the cereal.
wife: but iβm in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives