[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Wednesday
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
my lower back watching me try to live my life
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.