Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.