I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When I laugh on my period
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I have two kinds of followers
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers