ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN