My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
inside you are two wolves
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
This will never not be funny 😭
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
¯_(ツ)_/¯
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead