That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.