*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets