I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment