driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.