[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
You Might Also Like
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!