{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one