Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
You Might Also Like
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
That was easy.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
🙅🏻
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.