[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
the clam before the storm
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂