Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
When you kidnap a writer.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?