*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing