Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*