❤️❤️❤️
You Might Also Like
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Candles never taste the way they smell
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.