goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
This did not end as expected.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I wish this was real life…
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*